literature

Put This in Your Pipe

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Submitted on behalf of my friend Ruthefurd Bummage.

Greetings once again faithful readers; I must dispense with normal pleasantries as brevity is of the utmost importance in today’s writing. In a typical written piece I would spend the first several paragraphs expounding on basic salutations and witty anecdotal musings.  Sadly the issue of which I speak about in this one leaves no room for banal chit-chat as I will be discussing a genuine tragedy. Be warned this editorial is not for the faint of heart and will cause some of you to react in a negative and possibly extreme manner. Now you might think that such a topic would require or demand a comedic introduction and various moments of joviality scattered about to relieve stress. Your basic assumption would be correct under normal circumstances but has the common misquotation goes ‘it’s the exception that proves the rule’ there shall be no such tension breaker today. That is how strongly I feel about his matter; so much so that I will refrain from my normal hilarious puns, witticisms, and word play to bring you this matter of immense importance.

As you all are most certainly aware, I’m a great lover of pipe smoking. Whether it’s a Missouri Meerschaum or a South African Calabash I find the simple act of smoking a pipe to be not only relaxing but an integral part of soothing the mind and stimulating the imagination. I’m not a licensed Neurologist or Brain Doctor but based on the two books I’ve read on subject and my abundant life experiences I must assume that smoking tobacco is vital in growing and building brain cells. The practice of smoking pipes has been around for years and in some cultures the very act is used to broker peace among differing parties. It literally ends wars.

I would also be remiss to speak of Tobacco pipes and not mention their aesthetic appeal. It’s no secret that that the fairer sex loves a man who smokes a pipe because there is something fundamentally masculine about the practice. And I’ve not yet determined if the apparent rise in intelligence is because a pipe smoker simply looks more well read or because of the aforementioned brain cell development brought on by smoking pipes. This has led over the years to the obvious and well-earned  status symbol of sophistication that pipes bring about and it’s this issue in particular that I mean to discuss.

Several days ago I read a troubling news article in the local paper that spoke of a frightening trend on the rise. I refer of course to all the cracked pipes that plague our streets.  Now I, like all of you, am well aware of the harsh economic times we’re all facing and the practice of cutting back on spending and living on less is both admirable and respectable but there are some things people should not be forced to do no matter what the financial situation. The fact that men would be forced to endure the humiliation of smoking a pipe that has suffered so long that it has begun cracking is the sign that we are becoming more and more like animals as the days wear on.

When I was younger my father told me that when you’re down to your last dime you should get your shoes shined. True, the wealth I inherited upon the horrible rhino attack that took my parents from this world has never allowed the situation where I would be forced to make such a decision but never the less there is wisdom in his words. Even when you’re living on the streets with nothing to eat and freezing to the bone, having two shinning Esquivels looking up at you is enough to make you feel like a million dollars. When it comes to pipes, the situation is similar. So yes, sell your car and walk more. Buy a few sweaters and cut back on the heat bill. Drink the Chteau Le Pin Pomerol instead of the Roman Conti. But don’t be reduced to smoking tobacco from a less that noble pipe. You’re better than that. We all are.

The article went on to say that these cracked pipes were often found in the poorer neighborhoods, where crime was more rampant. I however disagree with the inference the writer made when he implied that the poor conditions lead to the rise in cracked pipes. I would suggest that the willingness to settle for sub standard pipes is merely a symptom of a greater problem; an overall lack of motivation and self respect for one’s self and their community.

I was however happy to see that it was mainly the youths that were smoking these cracked pipes. Sort of a double edged sword really; on the one hand there’s the willingness to settle for less, but at least they’re trying. In my day it was only the older men who were sophisticated enough to warrant a pipe. Based on the article I read that number of youths who are smoking pipe, even though they are cracked, has risen 73% in the past decade alone. Progress!

But there were more serious circumstances that even I wasn’t aware. Apparently smoking sub standard cracked pipes can lead to a number of many harmful side effects: Changes in blood pressure, anxiety, cold sweats, convulsions and swelling and bleeding of mucous membranes. Who knew? But the local law enforcement is taking a strong stand in this matter I’m happy to say. The minimum sentence for possession of a cracked pipe, even one as small as 5 grams, will trigger a 5 year mandatory prison sentence. Harsh, to be sure but I’m glad to see that respect for one’s self is becoming such an important issue.

I wish the article had dwelled a bit more on the positive aspects of smoking a pipe, some of which I’ve touched on briefly here, rather than simply focus on doom and gloom. Don’t worry, I’ve already written a letter of complaint.

But I won’t sit idly by and do nothing to combat this growing disease of our culture. No faithful readers, I will not. I’ve decided to begin a trade-in initiative in which youths from all over can turn in their cracked pipes in exchange for pipes befitting men of stature. True it will be quite a sacrifice on my part but it’s worth it to me so that the boys of today can become the pillars of our community tomorrow. So I’m asking for your assistance as to begin with I will need to delve into my own personal collection of pipes to meet the demand which I’m sure will be immense.

Please contact me by normal means if you have any pipes of quality you’d like to see put to good use. Remember faithful readers we have the power to change the world, one cracked pipe at a time.
An article speaking out against the unknown dangers of Cracked Pipes.
© 2009 - 2024 williamturbyfill
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